3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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