I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
