2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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