When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
