ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
