you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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