I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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