i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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