Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
