In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
