I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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