So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want nice things and good sex
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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