puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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