I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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