I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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