i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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