you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
