It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
