question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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