If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
