tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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