So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
this hospital has no fireball
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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