this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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