my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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