Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
