I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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