I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
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I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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