Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
