ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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