I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
