she woke up with a sticky ear
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can't turn off my feet"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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