He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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