what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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