The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
