apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just googled if crying burns calories
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
