Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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