arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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