I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
