I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.