I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I can't put those talents on a resume
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
