Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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