Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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