it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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