he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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