Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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