Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
