I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
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She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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