I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.