I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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