You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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