I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
