Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i now understand why vodka
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
