I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
