So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
