It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
