I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
