remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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