We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
