so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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